By

Robert Enright

C.S. Lewis once said that we all think of forgiveness as a lovely idea . . . until we have something to forgive. Then forgiveness is met with howls of protest because it is difficult, painful work. Wise Don of Cambridge, that Mr. Lewis. Having studied forgiveness as my sole research topic of the past 20 years at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I further have found that too many academics consider forgiveness to be an outlandish topic of study within the academy. It was not rigorous enough for our social sciences, I was told. Howls of protest greeted me as I tried to explore a topic that seems to be good and potentially helpful to others.

I am so glad that I did not listen to the nay-sayers back in the mid-1980s. Having done numerous educational programs, helping people to forgive those who are unjust to them, I can safely conclude that forgiveness has deep benefits to the forgiver. For example, when we helped incest survivors to forgive over a 14 month period, they became non-depressed, less anxious and more hopeful for their future. Over the years, we have helped, among many others, people in drug rehabilitation, cardiac patients, emotionally battered women, married couples struggling with relationships, and college students who had less-than-happy home lives to forgive and get well. So, what is all this fuss about forgiveness? Why all the howls?

I think people protest the freedom to practice or even study forgiveness because they do not understand it. Forgiveness seems controversial because it appears that the one who forgives gives up his or her rights to a fair solution. This is not so. Forgiveness is in the realm of mercy, not justice. When someone forgives, he or she struggles to give up resentment and strives for goodness towards the offender. This does not mean that as people forgive, they then become blind to justice. One can forgive and seek justice at the same time. One can forgive those who borrowed and then smashed the family car, but then present them with a repair bill. When people forgive, they need not reconcile with an offender, if that offender remains stubbornly unchanged. To forgive is to offer what one can at the moment regarding reduced resentment and goodness. It is an individual’s choice. To reconcile is for two people to come together again in mutual trust. If the other refuses to change, cannot be trusted, and is quite hurtful, then the other can offer forgiveness and keep their distance.

Armed with these understandings of forgiveness and with our research results, we decided to take the next logical step: Offering forgiveness education to young children in war-torn areas of the world. What keeps the fighting going in Northern Ireland, the Balkans, the Middle East? Underneath all of the socio-political unrest, is there not hatred? Common experience tells us that children learn to hate very quickly. By the time they are six years old they have learned the lessons well, knowing whom to fear and fight. Why can't we help these children to learn the lessons of forgiveness, first within their own families, schools and places of worship, and then, slowly over the years, within their communities? It is possible, and we have begun such an experiment in Belfast, Northern Ireland.  For a four-month period, we worked with teachers to train them in the fine art of forgiveness. We provided them with curricular guides that teach forgiveness through story, using especially the brilliant stories of Dr. Seuss. In his ingenious book, Horton Hears a Who, he teaches the profound message that “a person is a person, no matter how small.” Does this mean in Northern Ireland a person is a person, no matter how Catholic or Protestant? Does this mean in the Middle East that both Israelis and Arabs are people to be respected and loved? Of course it does, even if some howl in protest at the idea.

In Belfast, when we compared the children in the five first-grade classrooms who had forgiveness education, with the children in five other classrooms who did not have the program, this is what we found: The children who learned forgiveness had reduced their anger more than the other children. The angriest children who learned forgiveness reduced their anger the most, and were not depressed at the end of the program. The angriest children who did not have the program were clinically depressed and the end. Forgiveness works in the short-run. Might it work in the long-run? We will provide more advanced curricula to the children as they progress in grade level. We will see if they find a better way to peace than those who came before them.

I think Gandhi had it right: If we are to achieve true peace in this world, we must begin with the children. Opening their hearts through forgiveness may be one crucial element in our efforts to end wars. And, we need not go half way around the world to realize those efforts. All of us can begin creating peace in our own ways as we forgive the little things in our homes and places of work. A heart opened in forgiveness can go a long way towards healing and strengthening our relationships. It can teach our children better ways to grow. If we have the resolve to practice forgiveness as a gift to our children, even when others frown on us for teaching such a “weak” virtue, we in our communities may all have better lives.

Robert Enright is a professor in the Department of Educational Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He has published four books on forgiveness, including Forgiveness is Choice for adults, and Rising Above the Storm Clouds for children.