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	By Dave Haldiman The following documents were recently received by The Commonwealth Tree. Despite our best efforts, the depositor (they came in an unmarked envelope pushed under the office door) has remained anonymous. At first, thorough examination and research led us to presume that these documents are very possibly genuine. But, given the highly secretive and insulated condition of the federal government, and of its associated public relations firms, we were not hopeful of finding independent corroboration. Imagine our surprise when the donor of the documents contacted the editor of The Commonwealth Tree. While remaining anonymous, this person convinced us that they were directly involved in the efforts you will read about below. Furthermore, that the three branches of federal government, which have by turns entertained, enraged and bored the still interested minority with their caustic conflict during the past several years, would briefly join council in order to rescue their self-interests, is entirely believable to us. Even if these documents were to comprise a hoax, this paper would publish them. They’re not the sugary spew of business news, celebrities, hostilities du jour and tips for survival passively ingested by the 79% of eligible voters who declined to cast ballots in the last presidential election. Some readers may not be familiar with the people, governmental units and functions, or histories thereof referred to below. The occasional notes and explanations we’ve included might be of some help, though they’re no substitute for actually paying attention. If you haven’t been, that’s your problem. Come to think of it, your not paying attention has become everyone’s problem. Here, then, are the documents we’ve named The Reconstitution Papers. (Editor’s Note: The first document is an e-mail, written by Mitt Swain, CEO of Swain and Company, the public relations and advertising firm headquartered in New York. It is addressed to Clifton Fleischer, director of the White House Office of Information Integrity.) Hi Cliff, It’s always a great pleasure and honor to hear from you. I have to tell you, I knew something massive was moving under the surface last time I was down there at the Big House. I don’t want to say I’m jealous – love my job, love my family and all – but you boys down there toiling at the forges of democracy are real Titans. Mount Olympus. Valhalla. I mean that, Cliff. I was thrilled to receive your proposal. I am nothing but a man filled with enthusiasm and gratitude over this historical and extremely unique opportunity. You know how I am – one side of me is pure idealist, and the other is hard-nosed realist – but nothing we’ve worked on before has inspired such creative combinations in my mind. I just have to imagine Washington and Lincoln and all those other fathers of our nation looking down at us, and I feel as if the inspiration is coming directly from them. I truly believe that we’re going to be the Ob/Gyns at the birth of a new era. And not just for this nation, but soon, it will be a signal, like a “Beacon Shining for the World.” I’ll have the lawyers send along a memorandum of understanding before the end of the week. As one born-in-the-wool PR man to another, you realize that I’ll have to bring most of company in on this job. I’m sure the government appreciates the fact that they get what they pay for. As for timings, I figure you’ll want me to have minds working on this tomorrow, right? Best to you and Anne and the kids, Mitt (Editor’s Note: The next document, dated four days after the first e-mail, is a transcript of a conference call. Mitt Swaine’s fervent enthusiasm in the e-mail above becomes understandable in light of the participants: Walden Diebold, President of the United States and Chairman of the Board, Bechtel Corporation; Bob Freeman, Majority Leader of the United States Senate, celebrated war hero and host of Showtime’s “Who’s Ashamed Now?” Buddy Catos, Jr, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives and Director of Instruction, True Gospel Universities of America; Thomasina Bautista, Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, first Hispanic woman and first paraplegic to be named to the court, and considered to be the most conservative and strictly doctrinal member of the court; Mitt Swaine; Clifton Fleischer. We begin after everyone is on the line and introductions have been made.) Bautista: If you believe I’m out to neuter you, Mr. Freeman, that’s not my concern. I just happen to believe in the text of the Constitution. Fleischer: Okay. I think we’re ready to get started here. I’ve explained to Mitt that we’ve been discussing an issue . . . Deibold: Yes, thank you, Clifton. Now, Mr. Swain, do you keep up with current events? Come to think of it, your type decides what makes an event current most of the time, don’t you? Swain: I think you might be exaggerating a little bit, Mr. President. Deibold: No, I’m not. You’ve probably noticed that people don’t think much of the government of this country. We’ve tried to provide them with guidance and inspiration, We’ve encouraged their natural inclinations towards a global free-market lifestyle, and its prosperity and freedom to choose. But no one seems to be listening to us any more. People are only interested in themselves. Do you know that last year, 51,000 new businesses were registered in the United States, and there must have been at least three times that many unregistered. It’s breaking the integrity of this country apart. I want to know your thoughts on that, Mr. Swain. Swain: Well, I think the message, ah, sir, has got to be part of the, ah, medium. If you want them to believe in freedom and prosperity, then you have to, ah, make the government the embodiment of the concept. I think you know what I mean, sir. Catos: We have been there, Mitt, and we’ve done it until it died a natural death. What the President, and it seems you, have trouble remembering is that we’re not in business to be in business any more. (Editor’s Note: Last week, the remaining four lots of U.S. National Forests were bought by the Chinese national bank, in return for $135 billion in U.S. debt, and Google-Microsoft agreed to buy the Library of Congress. Ownership of local services, such as electricity, water, schools, and fire prevention is soon to be consolidated by a consortium of multi-national corporations.) Catos (continued): Now if Mr. President figures he needs more revenue to promote his friends’ lifestyle plans, he can talk to us about hiring another couple of tax collection companies, which we would be delighted to do when Hades freezes over. Diebold: Ignorant cracker. Catos: That’s Dr. Ignorant Cracker, mister captain of industry. Mitt, are you a person of faith? Swain: I, ah, have some very strong spiritual beliefs, Mr. Speaker. I think that’s extremely important, especially in difficult times. I believe it was Martin Luther King who said . . . Catos: What’s important, Mitt, is freedom. The primary function of our government is to guarantee everyone’s right to do what they think is best, within a time-honored moral structure. If folks want to come together in a fine place such as South Carolina and form a state government that’s by, of and for people of faith, that’s their right. And don’t you dare get after me about the word God not appearing the Constitution, Madame Justice. You know as well as I do what the founding fathers intended. Bautista: I don’t communicate with the dead, Mr. Speaker. I only read what they wrote. The problem I have, Swain, is that nobody seems to read much of anything now, at least about their government. We keep our court decisions in the public record, and Lord knows I’ve tried to strike down these entirely unconstitutional secrecy laws . . . Freeman: If you’re referring to our national security . . . Bautista: I’m referring to arrogance and paranoia . . . Freeman: You’re out of line. We didn’t put you there to challenge the sanctity of the people’s safety. Bautista: Common defense. That’s all it says. Freeman: Speaking for the people, I believe that our defense extends beyond our borders. How much more of our country do you intend to be Spanish speaking, Ms. Bautista? (Editor’s Note: Treaty talks over water rights between various municipal corporations in the Southwest have recently broken down. The California, Arizona and Colorado state militias have mobilized more troops and aircraft. The Pentagon has accused Mexico of sending spies and commando units across the border in order to instigate open warfare. Some members of Congress have called for a U.S. military occupation of northern Mexico.) Catos: Hey Bob, you still carrying that Smitty .357 around? A canon like that ruins the drape of your suit coat, you know. Freeman: Buddy, when your late father occupied that seat he knew how to earn the respect of voters. You people in the House don’t have to bother any longer. Fleischer: Please, lady and gentlemen, with all due respect and so on. Mitt, the bottom line is that people don’t think the government is relevant to their lives. We need to do something about that. Swain: Okay. I think I understand. Bautista: Well then aren't you special? Swain: What we need is a guiding philosophy. Not too many words, but still, a guiding philosophy. I see a few important leaders, I see a few places where the people can feel welcome and inspired. I’m not too sure about Washington, and all those big, old buildings. You need places where people can come in and sit down and feel comfortable, and perhaps open a cold beverage. Then we can get down to the business of inspiring them. Freeman: I’m with you except for the sitting down part. People need to get up off their asses. They have no discipline or self-reliance. They’ve turned into moral, uh, Chinese rice noodles! Catos: Amen, Bob. Amen. Diebold: All right! . . . Mr. Swain, we need some ideas, yes? Swain: Believe me, the honor is all mine, Mr. President. (Editor’s Note: Shortly after this the call ends. The final document is an e-mail sent by Clifton Fleischer to Mitt Swain, dated nine weeks after the conference call.) Mitt, Sorry for the delay. Haven’t been ignoring your messages. Been herding cats, congressional aides, court clerks, policy groups, communication consultants, etc. for final recommendations. My vote is to streamline remaining government agencies into a couple of buildings, finish turning D.C. into a historical office park, and I go back to the private sector. Not my call, though, except for the private sector part, Mitt, old buddy old pal. Your presentations at White House, Senate, House and SCOTUS got a lot of dialogue going, no doubt. Below is the final score: Make Every Day Independence Day. Positives: Logo design and parade tie-ins with media, major retailers and professional sports leagues; paint-ball re-enactment franchises at Revolutionary War sites; strengthening ties between television programming and military recruitment; encouraging people to see themselves as self-reliant. Negatives: Encouraging people to see themselves as independent from the government; further, that marketing of War of Independence could encourage states and municipalities to claim independence from the United States; might encourage an actual revolution, which would be disastrous. Conclusion: Rejected. Who You Gonna Trust? Positives: Uses naturally and artificially occurring dissatisfactions, uncertainties and fears in society to create approving attitudes towards the government. Negatives: Suggests that government can provide reliable and honest regulation of corporate sector, can provide some limited but less expensive services, can look after the environment, etc. Conclusion: Rejected. From the Fertile Soil of American Dreams Positives: Grassroots feel is very popular these days – can sneak up and tap into it; potential to involve largest number of people; philosophically and organizationally can be self-perpetuating (possibly a negative as well) as it draws on common history and contemporary needs; shouts out nurturing, traditional values, ecology, healthy diet. Negatives: Veers close to utopian socialism and untethered humanism; potentially threatening to free market opportunities; can’t have a country made of Vermonts. Conclusion: Further study, but must be kept under tight wraps; classify as Secret. You know how it is. At least you made it into this year’s billing cycle. Make me a job offer, Mitt. Let’s do some damage together in the real world. Cliff Dave Haldiman is editor and publisher of The Commonwealth Tree. He is also a documentary maker.